Water Works 42 - 2/3/04

Yes, We Have No McGuffins

You must be wondering when we will finally reach the real news. You know what I mean.

What you’re thinking is – show me the evidence that Quakertown has been turned into a desert wasteland – am I right? Where are those bone-dry stream beds the NJDEP could not have hidden? When do folks start wandering out onto Quakertown Road, overdosed on lead and arsenic, like dazed zombies in some re-make of Night of the Living Dead? You’re asking – what is this guy trying to put over on us? Where’s the troop of concerned citizens with the snappy acronymic name that always pops up in stories like this one? And what’s his human interest angle?

Or as a young reporter once put the question, “Why would people want to read about this, if they don’t live in Quakertown?”

Good point, Young Reporter. Your editor should be proud, because a big problem with this story is it lacks the visceral impact and human interest that would make it more newsworthy. Young Reporter was also smart enough to see we have no real hook in our narrative – no “McGuffin,” as Alfred Hitchcock called it – to keep you hanging around to learn how everything turns out.

You’re probably wondering right now why you hadn’t left a long time ago, but before you march off let’s talk about McGuffins. Basically our story is an argument about math. We say: 2 + 2 = 4. The NJDEP says: 2 + 10 = 4. Of course there is more to it than that. Water has been mined here at a rate of 10 for years, when it should never have exceeded 2, according to the state’s own guidelines. Then there is neglect of due diligence by the state, which should have conducted impact studies before it dreamed of trying 2 + 3 = 4. But none were performed, because no one at the NJDEP seems to have paid attention to what it was doing and there was no oversight worth mentioning.

Which begs the obvious question, “Why?” Since “We forgot!” is hardly a headline grabber and less of an excuse, you might have guessed politics is our McGuffin. This is New Jersey after all, where politics is like hockey in Canada. But political intrigues are ultimately irrelevant, because the only thing that really matters is: 2 + 10 will never equal 4, regardless of who wants it that way. “Ah! What about corruption?” you ask. No, this story is clean as a whistle as far as that goes.

Without motive as our McGuffin, what do we have left? Imminent peril? We have been lucky so far. The wetlands up-slope from the longest branch of Lockatong Creek have been shrinking for years though, and what are called AMNET scores say the highest reaches of the watershed are degraded. Channeling and terracing in the Lockatong stream bed, sure signs of chronic low water flows, are unmistakable, but not too glaring unless you know what to look for. And on the Capoolong side of the village, other than the failed wells you already know about, artesian effects that were common a few years ago, like the fountains that sometimes spouted from a hill behind our school in early spring – Water Works loved watching them – are almost forgotten now.

All of which are reasons to worry, but we’re not quite terrorized yet. The well failures here don’t add up to a McGuffin either. The only place they were ever a mystery was at the NJDEP. McGuffin-hunting in this story will never turn up much, because our McGuffin is sitting in our audience.

Try this. Google the keywords, “water works hunterdon,” and see what you get. Our Reader’s Guide was third out of more than 7,000 results when I last did that, meaning – McGuffin or no McGuffin – you are not the only one joining us today. You should assume your fellow readers include people who were responsible for what happened here, who allowed it to happen, or who can set things straight if they choose. While they are not about to undo what the NJDEP has done to Quakertown any time soon, they can’t afford to ignore us. We’re adding readers every week.

So instead of a thriller, we present for your enjoyment the McGuffin of grim, black comedy. Before we roll out the rest of our cavalcade of NJDEP horrors, let’s give a big welcome to the real stars of this show – trapped virtually next to you in our audience – the keepers of the fools on-stage.

Ron Gutkowski